A Struggle for Balance
by esprit en deuil
Summary: This is a tag to Judgement Day, I know I know, it's been done before, but this is my take on how Tony coped with everything that happened. Gen.


_**A/N: Hiya! I know I haven't been writing much lately, but I have been busy with travelling around the US and trying to make the most of this exchange that will come to an end in two weeks when I got back home to Finland for the first time in 9 months! Okay so anyway, that's why I haven't been writing much, but I hope I'll get back to the swing of things once I settle back down. This is a little tag I wrote for Judgement Day, which I realize is old news but I just wanted to explore Tony's inner workings and what he thought of everything. This is a gen fic, so no slash or het in it, it is a one shot but if people want me to continue it then it might turn into slash, but the relationship won't be between two of the main characters... So please enjoy the fic and let me know if you'd like to read more. This fic is not beta read so any and all mistakes are mine. **_

It was all just a big blur for him.

As soon as he'd gotten his new orders he'd scrambled to seek reassurance from Gibbs that it was not really happening, like the rest of the team he was hoping the legend that was Leroy Jethro Gibbs would prove mightier than the will of the new director of NCIS. And just like Abby and the rest of them, he was sorely disappointed when they all realized that this was not an order the team leader had the skill or the will to get out of.

Tony hadn't stayed around for the platitudes nor the tears he was sure would flow when Abby tried to come to terms with the fact that times were indeed changing and most likely would never return to be the same again. When he'd seen the look of resignation on Gibbs' face it had made it clear to him that this was the way things would be, the MCRT would be rebuild and the Italian would have to find a new place to fit in, no matter what Gibbs had promised Ziva and McGee.

The packing hadn't taken him long, he'd only really taken the essentials and left all the rest as it was. He'd made a quick call to his buddy he knew was in need of a temporary residence so it was a perfect solution for the guy to stay at his apartment for the duration of his enforced time at sea and pay the rent. Tom was a good guy and a good friend so he could trust the man with his space, and as Tom wasn't one of his frat brothers he didn't even have to worry about his partying ways.

So all that was left was catch his flight and report to duty on the carrier he'd been assigned to. It was one of the hardest things he'd done since saying good-bye to his beloved mother at her funeral but he'd done it. Tony hadn't taken the time to call any of his former team mates as he saw no point in that. It all boiled down to the fact that they were work buddies and nothing else, sure they used to hang out with Abby from time to time or he'd have cowboy steaks with Gibbs, but it was all just because they had to get along for the job.

Now the job wasn't keeping them together anymore and Vance had made damn sure that there would be enough distance between them to separate any bonds for good.

In some way Tony didn't even mind it, he'd done the lone ranger act before, he could do it again.

It wasn't the new assignment that had him rattled, he knew he couldn't be second to Gibbs for the rest of his life and the older man's hiatus in Mexico has shown him that his place in the team wasn't as secure as he had thought. So moving on wasn't the problem, it was the reason behind it that had him reaching for the hidden bottle as soon as he got off-duty on the damned carrier.

Well as off-duty as you can get when you're the only law-enforcement officer on board. The alcohol didn't make the guilt go away, it probably added to his morose mood, but in the end it made it possible for him to sleep for a few hours every night so it did do something for him.

Maybe it was the liquor that turned the days into a blur or the repetitiveness of the days, but it all just added up to days going by and him being none the wiser of their passing for the first few weeks.

He did his job but that was about all he was able to get done.

After three weeks things started to clear a bit, he still used the alcohol as a crutch but it wasn't the only thing holding him up anymore. His appetite that had seemed to desert him had returned bit by bit and he almost felt normal again. Bit by bit he came to turns with what happened with Jenny and his part in her demise, or lack there off. The guilt was still there but it was something he would be able to live with.

That three week mark was also the first time since leaving DC that he seriously contemplated opening his personal email.

He was hoping against hope that there would be messages from Abby, McGee and Ducky along with some other selected few. It would be great to hear someone missed him, but then he really thought about it and closed the browser window before heading up to the deck.

He didn't want to take the chance of logging in and finding and empty inbox that would make him sink back to the low point he'd been at upon his departure to the carrier. Worse than having no emails would be having ones from Abby. He loved the goth like a sister he really did, but she had a different view of the world like most people and without even meaning to do it, she would make it sound like his fault that he'd been forced to leave and probably in the same sentence she would assure him that Gibbs would fix it all.

There were things that even Gibbs couldn't fix and Tony and his current assignment were both those kinds of things. Not that there was anything wrong with the assignment, it was a step up the ladder so it was all good, but if he chose not to kid himself he would admit that if Abby assured him that Gibbs would get him back, he might be persuaded to hope for that too.

And right then he had no idea what he really wanted so he decided to stay incommunicado for the moment.

No one would be overly upset with not hearing from him. They still thought it was his fault the team had been split and that Jenny was killed. So maybe a clean break had been what he needed and maybe this was his chance for that.

He would take his enforced isolation on the carrier and use the time to figure out where he belonged now that he didn't fit in at team Gibbs anymore.

The End?

_**A/N:Sooo? Let me know what you thought, reviews are love and I need some loving to get through my final exam on forensic anthropology ;D **_


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